Norway WTF
Here's my stupid American post. It's my list of things I either don't like about Norway, or just don't understand. The crippling expense of everything isn't listed. It's not their fault that we've trashed our own economy. There's only eight things listed. And I had to work at it to get that many. Basically, I love Norway. Except for these eight things:
Trampolines
What is the deal with the trampolines? We saw them everywhere! On the train, we once saw a row of six houses, four with trampolines. On a bus, we saw five within the space of a block. I don't get it. We asked relatives about it. They were surprised that most Americans don't have one in the yard.
Tiny Stupid Showers
No one in Norway can design a shower. Maybe it's just a fundamental flaw in their engineering programs. Look, it's easy, slope the floor towards the drain and put a raised lip around it. But, no, they don't do that. There's no floor separation and any floor slope is tiny. The result is that the whole bathroom floor gets wet. Some places actually had a squeegee on a long handle to use in pushing the water towards the drain. If you need a floor squeegee in your bathroom, you've done something wrong.
Oh, and they're tiny, too. And nobody give me any crap about being a fat American. Yes, I am a fat American. But there was plenty of room for my fat ass. The problem was that I could barely move my arms.
Corn on Salads
The Norwegians put corn on their salads. Always. Instead of croutons, I guess.
It tastes fine. It just seems weird.
We don't like fish, okay?
Yes, we know y'all love fish. We don't. I've tried fish. I just don't like it. Stop acting like this is some moral failure on my part. (Or I'll feed you something spicy enough to make your blond head explode!)
Fluent English
Their English is too damn good. This leads to two problems.
First, it makes it hard for me to practice the tiny bit of Norwegian that I actually know. They can tell right way and immediately switch over to English. It's particularly bad in Oslo. Too much English. Spoken. On signs. Everywhere. You barely know you're in a foreign country.
The second problem is that it's very sad to realize that most Norwegians speak better English than most Americans, including our dumb-fuck, coke-snorting, drunk frat-boy of a President. I'm not talking about immigrants here. (I cut them and first-generation kids considerable slack. And unless you yourself are fluent in more than English, you should too.) I'm talking about native speakers that just can't use the language.
No Dryers
In the entire three weeks, we had access to a clothes dryer exactly once. They just don't use them, partially because they don't feel the need to wear clean clothes every day. So they just don't wash as much. (Yes, they do get smelly sometimes.)
Instead, they hang their clothes out to dry, which is great and a habit that we should emulate. Except it's a little difficult when you're traveling and not staying in one place long enough for things to air-dry.
And the one dryer we did find cost us $16 per load.
The Goddamn Sun
It never gets dark in the summer. Even in those areas in the south, where the sun actually sets, it stays light. And, despite what you may have heard, not all places have heavy curtains to keep out the sun at night. It's cool at first. "Wow! It's midnight and it's still light out!" But then you start waking up, thinking it's like 10am, and it's really only 3am, and you can't get back to sleep. Then it sucks.
Special note: Norway follows Daylight Savings Time in the summer. So if you really want to see the midnight sun, you need to stay up until 1am.
Stupid Norwegian Kids Aping the Worst of American Culture
Look, kids, if you're gonna ape American culture, don't pick the really dumb-ass stuff. I'm talking about wearing your pants halfway down your ass, showing off a good foot of your boxers. Black kids look stupid enough doing it. Your lily-white ass makes it even worse. Stop it!
Oh, and unless you're actually from New York City, wearing a Yankees cap just makes you look like a tool.
And stop smoking so much! And stay off my lawn, damn kids!
Norway Itinerary
In case you're interested, here's our itinerary from our big Norway trip:
June 11
Departed from Washington Dulles, bound for Oslo.
June 12
Arrived in Oslo after a long flight. (Watched Monsters, Inc. three times.) Took a short nap. Walked on top the new Opera House. Went to Vigeland Park to look at statues of nekkid people. (Alas, no Hula Girls.)
June 13
Walked by City Hall, which looks like two blocks of Gjetost, then by Akershus Fortress. Took a cruise in the Oslo Fjord during the Færder regatta, an annual big-ass sailboat race with literally thousands of boats. Visited the Holmenkollen Ski Jump and adjoining Ski Museum. Climbed the stairs to the top of the jump. Scary!
June 14
Visited the Munch Museum. Took the ferry to Bygdøy and went to the Kon Tiki Museum, the Fram Museum (which is actually the big-ass boat itself), and the Maritime Museum.
June 15
Took the train to Geilo to visit family.
June 16
Visited two local knife factories. Was given a wood handle at one, for no particular reason.
June 17
Revisited the factories in the hope of seeing the robots online. No luck. Bought a $10 blade to go with the handle and they threw in a collet and two sheaths. Put together, I'll have a knife that retails for $160, no lie. Drove through the mountains to the Langedrag Mountain Farm, a nature park. Fed reindeer and an arctic fox. (Moss and Jarlsberg cheese, respectively.)
June 18
Hung around town.
June 19
Took the train to Myrdal. Took the Flåmsbana to Flåm, seeing a Huldra on the way. Visited the Flåm Museum. Took a boat to Bergen.
June 20
Flew out of Bergen, landing in achingly beautiful Ålesund. (Ålesund burned to the ground in 1904 and was completely rebuilt in the Art Nouveau style.) Visited the Ålesund Museum and the Norwegian Centre of Art Nouveau Architecture.
June 21
Took a bus to Hellesylt. Took the ferry to Geiranger, through Geirangerfjord, perhaps the most beautiful stretch of fjord in Norway. Took a ferry back through the fjord to Valldal.
June 22
Took the same ferry back to Geiranger, making for our third pass through the fjord, then caught a bus through the mountains, back through Valldal, and on to Åndalsnes. Then took the overrated Raumabanen to Dombås and another train to Trondheim. Disaster strikes as I fail to see a hole in the sidewalk while carrying my full backpack. Stepping partially in it, I twist my right ankle and start to fall. I twist my left knee trying, in vain, to stop myself. I land on my left knee, scraping away a quarter-sized patch of flesh. I then land on my left elbow, followed by my palms. Not good.
June 23
Limped along the Gamle Bybro. Limped through Nidaros Cathedral and the Archbishop's Palace and Museum. Listened to the usual propaganda about Saint Olav. (Basically, he tried to convert the Norwegians away from their perfectly good pagan beliefs over to the scourge of Christianity. When they kicked him out for it, he returned with an army of Swedes. And, for this, they adore him. Go figure.)
June 24
Took in the way-cool Ringve Museum of musical instruments. To kill some time, also went to the Museum of Decorative Arts, which was actually quite interesting, containing a good number of teapots. Grabbed the overnight train to Bodø.
June 25
After the ten-hour train ride to Bodø, my foot with the sprained ankle had swelled up like a little football. I think the swelling in the ankle itself acted like a tourniquet. Could barely get it in my shoe. Limped to the Norwegian Aviation Museum. At the end of the day, caught the boat to Svolvær in Lofoten. From there, caught an expensive taxi to Henningsvær, which is a small town out on an island with one road leading to it. A road that had just closed due to 4½ foot rock falling on the road and making a big-ass divot. Taxi takes us back to Svolvær and helps us find a room for the night.
June 26
Picked up rental car. Drove around Lofoten until the road to Henningsvær opened up. Checked out the Lofotr Viking Museum. Did some laundry. (Only $16 per load!)
June 27
Drove to the end of the island chain. Walked on a white sand beach. Observed cool fresh water springs making cool patterns with the sediment on the beach, which no one else noticed. Visited the Norsk Fiskevaersmuseum in Å and the Lofoten Torrfisk Museum
June 28
Drove back into Svolvær and managed to pick out the Svolvær Goat! Saw the Lofoten Cathedral, the Museum Nord Lofotmuseet, and the Lofoten Aquarium. Drove through Smedvik, where a near-relative grew up.
June 29
Caught the bus to Harstad. That's it.
June 30
Took the early morning boat to Tromsø. Once there, started with Polaria. Took the Fjellheisen up to Storsteinen for a good view of the city. Went to the Arctic Cathedral, which is looking a little run-down, truth be told. Stopped by the Polar Museum. Then headed out to the airport and flew back to Oslo.
July 1
Returned to the Munch Museum, solely to pick up a bunch of art prints. (These were the only good deal in Norway. Suitable-for-framing prints for $24 each. We bought five.) Headed back to Vigeland Park, with a detour in the Vigeland Museum. (The Museum contains many of his other works, including many of the models from which the statues in the Park were derived.) Took many, many photos.
July 2
Spent some time at a relative's cabin, just relaxing. Then went to the Nobel Peace Center.
July 3
Flew home. Even longer flight.
Assorted Tea Links
Tea Birds is active once again. What is Tea Birds? Simply a blog of photos of cute girls drinking tea. No more, no less.
33 Health Benefits of Drinking Tea lists a boat-load of health benefits. Tea is really, really good for you.
TeaTracker appears to be a way to track whose turn it is in the office to make the tea. Since I work at home, it's always my turn. So I haven't really looked at it. You might find it useful. You might not.
I'm Back!
Not from outer space, but from Norway! Yep, three week vacation in Norway.
Here's a tip for when you travel. If you hide your MacBook somewhere in the house before leaving, make sure you note where you hid it. Because you won't remember three weeks later. (Still haven't found it.)
More posts to come, along with some of the nearly 8000 photos we took!
Humpday News
Holy crap! Hillary learns how to count! Humpday News from Sexy Red-Headed Nuns! This week's news:
National News
Obama continues to sound smarter than you. Hillary continues to refuse to accept her inevitable loss. McCain continues to be a crazy old coot.
International
Iraq continues to be a quagmire. U.S. armed forces continue to be abused and stretched to the breaking point. Osama bin Laden continues to evade capture. The rest of the world continues to hate America.
Financial
The economy continues its decline. The housing bubble continues to burst. The price of gasoline continues to rise.
Sports
The Minnesota Twins continue to hover around 500. Hank Steinbrenner continues to be an asshole.
Entertainment
I dunno. Britney continues to do stupid shit. Who the hell cares, anyway? Honestly, it's just sad.
Religion
Fundamentalists continue to try and control the lives of others. Red-headed nuns continue to be sexy as hell!
Last Minute Breaking News!!!
 | Conservative prostitute turned reporter turned blogger Jeff Gannon still looks like a penis! Stay tuned for further updates! |
We're taking a short Humpday News sabbatical. Don't worry. Nothing's gonna change any time soon!
Humpday News Archive:
Dreamt About a Band
I had a weird dream last night. That's not unusual. I think I have some of the weirder dreams around. But, in this particular dream, I was at some college, or something similar, and this band was going to give a free show. Because I woke up during their set, I remembered the band very clearly.
They were called "Baby and the BJ." That's a singular BJ, not BJs plural.
The band consisted of about 7 young women. Each was identically dressed in a pink dress with a pink hat. The effect was mid-way between Jackie Kennedy/Doctor Girlfriend and a waitress. Not particularly sexy, but not particularly not, either.
Each girl was standing behind a waist-high pedestal, each of which was sort of a solid-state DJ station. As they played their respective consoles, the end result was some sort of cross between Le Tigre and early New Order.
Over the music, each member took turns providing spoken commentary. Some noisily chewed gum during their parts, like a stereotypical tired waitress.
It was all very weird. But really not all that bad musically.
Boobies!
Yesterday was a pretty good day. It had its downsides, to be sure. I had to wear a coat and tie. I had to sit through a five-hour meeting. I had to travel solely to attend the meeting. The place to which I travelled was Miami, which was even hotter and more humid than Williamsburg. (The whole Virginia Peninsula is basically one big swamp.)
But the upside was that I stopped by Miami Beach for, literally, five minutes. And I saw boobies in the wild! That's right. There was a girl sunbathing topless. No, I didn't take a picture. I'm not that crude. But I am crude enough to stare for a minute. She had a nice set-o-perkies, which isn't really my favorite kind. But I'm not complaining.
Humpday News
Get it while it's hot! Humpday News from Sexy Red-Headed Nuns! This week's news:
National News
Obama continues to sound smarter than you. Hillary continues to refuse to accept her inevitable loss. McCain continues to be a crazy old coot.
International
Iraq continues to be a quagmire. U.S. armed forces continue to be abused and stretched to the breaking point. Osama bin Laden continues to evade capture. The rest of the world continues to hate America.
Financial
The economy continues its decline. The housing bubble continues to burst. The price of gasoline continues to rise.
Sports
The Minnesota Twins continue to hover around 500. Hank Steinbrenner continues to be an asshole.
Entertainment
I dunno. Britney continues to do stupid shit. Who the hell cares, anyway? Honestly, it's just sad.
Religion
Fundamentalists continue to try and control the lives of others. Red-headed nuns continue to be sexy as hell!
Last Minute Breaking News!!!
| Conservative prostitute turned reporter turned blogger Jeff Gannon still looks like a penis! Stay tuned for further updates! |
Check back next Wednesday for an all-new Humpday News, only at Sexy Red-Headed Nuns!
Humpday News Archive:
Movie Critics Are Stupid
Movie critics are stupid. How else can one explain that Rotten Tomatoes shows the tepid Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull garnering 77% positive reviews, while the delightful Speed Racer only received 35% positive reviews?
Honestly, Indy 4 was okay, but just okay. There's no internal logic. (The fridge scene just made me wince.) LeBeef makes a laughable tough kid and a worse Tarzan. Only Karen Allen's big goofy smile really delighted me. And the ending is basically the same ending as Indy 1, namely, Indy fails in the end, but that's okay because winning kills all the bad guys.
Contrast that to Speed Racer, which is sheer jaw-dropping eye candy. If you didn't like Speed Racer, you weren't the sort of person who was supposed to go see it. Yeah, there's a storyline, but who really cares. It's all about the graphics, pumping at you like Tempest 2000 in trippy mode. Plus, there's Christina Ricci as Speed's hot girlfriend Trixie and Susan Sarandon as Speed's MILF-a-licious mom.
A Quick Note to Hillary Supporters
If you're a Hillary supporter who's threatening to not vote (or even vote for McCain) because Obama took your cake, you need to grow the fuck up.
